When, in the nights we stood together,
Beneath the Sun's white bride,
And watched the river run its course
Through desert sands and sky;
You never spoke of death
Nor life,
But breathed the western wind.
Yours alone the distant thoughts
My soul ensconced within.
My heart, my thoughts, your smiling eyes
Darker things imply
When in the mornings we sat together,
Beneath the rising groom,
I found my distant thoughts draw near
To what my heart had sown.
It was not woven dark
Nor light
But cast into the sky -
And therein found a hollow place
To dwell in by-and-by.
My thoughts, my soul, your sweet perfume
Gently draws me near.
When, in the summer’s days we lingered,
Beneath a cloud-ship’s shade,
And felt the east wind’s probing fingers -
My heart it did upbraid.
Though not gently,
Nor severely
But with a murmur soft
You found and kept a secret pathway,
That you traveled oft.
My soul, my dreams, your cool dry hands,
Brush across my skin.
When, in the end, we stand together,
And watch the falling Groom;
The last birdsong will surely linger,
Our thoughts will be as one.
Beneath his children,
All alight,
That polarize the day –
Together take our leave from life,
And gently fade away.
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Author's Comments
The first two lines of this poem have been stirring behind my eyes for days now, and I've only just now written them down. The meter formed itself (as it always does, with me) around the first stanza.
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April 13, 2005
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Comments
--
"how do they make hot dogs, anyway?"
"who knows... maybe they're born that way."
"that is... the cutest thing you've said all day."
Okay, so suns should actually be sun's since the sun is in possession. Also, I'd look at capitalizing sun since the context seems so personal and specific. Your punctuation is really strange, and I think that some changes would help flow. For example,
"When in bright mornings we sat together,
Beneath the rising groom,
I found my distant thoughts draw near
To what my heart had sown."
This clarifies your intent and makes it flow better. At least, I think so. Organize just a tad and it will be absolutely breath-taking. I don't know that you want to me to critique your entire thing, so I'll try to keep the rest of this short. Alright. The last thought is that your final sentence is a tad awkward. For some reason its rythm is off and I think you ought to check that out. There, so sorry about the ripping apart. I really do think it's gorgeous. Especially "You never spoke of death Nor life But breathed the western wind"... it conveys a concept rather than a specific event. Nice.
Thanks... I'll edit it accordingly.
don't take any of her suggestions! don't even touch this poem! it's beautiful as it rests.
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sometimes, wizards are so awesome it hurts.
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